I Participated in the Secret Jackalope exchange and received my prompt from Squigboss, who requested "Dangerous items to send in the (D&D fantasy) mail". After spending some time looking at what things I am not allowed to send in the mail, it looks like most "non-mailable" material will explode or otherwise cause damage in transit, is alive and could die, is something that could rot, or is otherwise illegal. That said, here are some disjoint ideas for things you probably shouldn't mail (and why you wouldn't want to mail them).
Living Ideas
Whether you could really call them items is unclear, it would probably be more accurate to call them the autonomous manifestations of thoughts or knowledge in the form of a gel. Each living idea is a translucent jelly, typically the dimensions of an average brick, and usually contains a single thought or knowledge in one area. Living ideas are typically created by a magic-user extracting the concept from a willing subject (or themselves), but can also appear seemingly at random, manifesting in areas dense with knowledge such as libraries and containing all sorts of thoughts both mundane and exciting.
Each living idea's contents can be "retrieved" by making skin contact with the ooze. The body
will quickly absorb the idea without so much as a trace, and the creature in contact with it will be imparted the concepts within.
Interestingly, ideas seem to want to be had. They are capable of locomotion as other living oozes, and actively attempt to touch the skin of beings capable of holding the concepts they embody. While their behavior does not seem to be influenced by what is contained inside them, they will always attempt to reach the nearest sentient being it can sense to be absorbed. They are single-minded in this pursuit, but not especially clever in approach, using a brute-force approach of squeezing through cracks and permeable materials when confronted with obstacles. While there are no obvious sensory organs of any kind on a living idea, they are capable of sensing sentient life within 10'.
Due to their autonomy, transporting them is difficult without sealing them
within specialized containers, which itself is difficult if done by a
sentient being. Typically, a living idea is extracted directly into a vessel
(called a think tank) which is also used to store and transport the idea.
While they are not themselves dangerous, it is possible that the knowledge
within could be such (secrets, unknowable eldritch knowledge, bad ideas). You probably don't want to mail these because you probably don't want your mail carrier accidentally getting your idea if it gets out of what's holding it.
Argent Bird Eggs
Barrel of Monkeys
A wooden barrel about the size of a gourd. If the seal of the barrel is damaged (by removing the lid or otherwise breaking the barrel, such as by impact from throwing it), it explodes into a pile of a dozen brightly colored but otherwise mundane monkeys. The monkeys immediately attempt to untangle themselves before behaving in a manner decided by their color:
| d6 | Color | Behavior |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Red |
Attempt to attack and kill any non-monkeys, seeking out non-monkeys if
none are present. |
| 2 | Orange |
Cause as much physical damage to objects/the environment as possible. |
| 3 | Yellow |
Steal anything they can, creating a pile of stolen items where the
barrel exploded. |
| 4 | Blue |
Run away and find a hiding spot, then try to surprise passers-by before
repeating the process. |
| 5 | Green | Attempt to find other living beings, then lead them back to the site of the barrel's explosion by appropriate means (picking up and carrying, grabbing by the arm and leading, elaborate charades, taunting and inciting a chase, etc.). |
| 6 | Purple |
Gather the remains of the barrel, and protect it to the best of their
capabilities. Given the availability of suitable objects, they will
likely construct simple fortifications. |
The monkeys have 1HD and disappear at the next dusk or dawn, whichever is further away.
Not a good idea to mail because if it is damaged in transit, you both lose the
item and immediately have to deal with the monkeys.
Talking Chest That Announces Its Contents
A heavy wooden chest with iron fittings, its top contorts into a set of smiling lips. When anyone comes within 15' of the chest, the mouth moves and the lips part to reveal a set of wooden teeth as the chest speaks in a booming tone. Specifically, the chest yells out an itemized list of its exact contents (or that it is empty if it is empty).
It's not really dangerous in the traditional sense, and it's actually rather easy to mail safely: just don't put anything in it (or at least, not anything valuable). It only becomes dangerous when someone passes it being transported along the road and the chest says "I'm filled with 1,500gp of emeralds" or something that makes it an attractive target for theft.
Some Other Not Fleshed Out/Simple Ideas:
- Instant Beanstalk - A glass bottle of green liquid that when thrown creates a giant beanstalk a la the classic fairy tale. Giants and golden geese not included
- A magic flame that never goes out (fire hazard)
- Packages with destiny inside
- An acid that eats through everything eventually, but very slowly. (You can just move it between containers every now and then).
